What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.