Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.