Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.