Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]