A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
our love story in four pictures