I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
You Might Also Like
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
#Caturday
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West