My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
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I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Best seat on the street 😍