GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Generation gap…
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.