Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
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My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.