I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.