If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
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When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again