From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons