Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
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[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
The Onion called it…again.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.