Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
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Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.