Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Noted.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.