welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Butt weight. There’s more!
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.