being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
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Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans