I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
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INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Employees must applaud the planets.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
need him
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I have questions??