If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
When I said I liked it rough.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there