Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Somebody’s lying.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes