A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
How software testing works
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
reduce, reuse, recycle
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.