I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
You Might Also Like
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Going into Monday like
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …