I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
That time Alicia messaged me
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Good boy 😂😂
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
There’s only one good girl here!
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot