I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.