an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™