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Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”