My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.