If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
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You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
this country is so goddamn polarized
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.