HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no