Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
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“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Ugh
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.