The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?