Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
huge valentines day plans this year!!