Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
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Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.