9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
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*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine