SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
You Might Also Like
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.