I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
real
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
❤️❤️❤️
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.