Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Good morning!
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.