If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I like long walks away from everyone
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor