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[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
A bold strategy
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’