Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
doing your own taxes
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
wow he looks just like him
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.