I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
When a shoelace touches your ankle
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.