I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Spring cleaning checklist…
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.