No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Meow
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”