For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
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Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING