We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
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my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
stand with me against insufficient seating
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.