I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.