“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Don’t talk down to me
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…