I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My biological clock is wheezing.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.