Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.