I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.